Ah, life. A twisted and messy endeavor if ever there was one.
Before I go ANY further I need to set something straight. I understand WHY she has this need. I also understand that it is a need that will not be going away for a very long time. I also need to make clear that I will do everything in my power to satisfy her need. I WAS going to say that I don’t like it. That is not true though. I am more than happy to satisfy her need for celibacy. I get it. I caused her to have this need. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Time to put on my big boy panties and deal with it.
Meeting my wife’s needs is NOT a burden. It IS causing intellectual/theological confusion though.
The Basis Of My Confusion
2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1st Corinthians 7:2-5
Biblically this is not supposed to happen. I am to hook her up, sexually, and she is supposed to hook me up sexually as well. If we do not, Satan can come in and tempt us (me).
Or that’s what is supposed to happen. Well, that’s what’s supposed to happen if Mr. Husband doesn’t mess around on her.
Am I to assume that her celibacy need will only be temporary? That isn’t what she says. She said, “I’m perfectly willing and happy to go the rest of my life without ever having sex again.”
The Battle Of The Needs
So the question must be asked. Do my needs ever get met again?
PLEASE understand that I am truly not trying to be an asshole here. I really and truly WANT to meet her needs. But, being the selfish bastard that I am, I do have to wonder if my needs will ever be attended to. And if they are, will it be begrudgingly or just out of a sense of duty?
I am dedicating myself to the pursuit of meeting all of her needs to the best of my ability. As an asshole, is it too much to ask for my back to get scratched on occasion?
Today I, again, asked her if she would ever be willing to go into sex therapy. She is less than excited about that prospect. “I don’t think that I can ever go into something as private as sex and have somebody else tell me how to do it.” My response was pretty obvious- “Isn’t that what you’re doing with individual counseling? You don’t know how to deal with your emotions so you’re asking someone else to tell you what to do.” “Sex is different.”
So we chatted about sex therapy. I eventually said that my understanding of sex therapy is that the therapist gives us a homework assignment, we do the assignment and report back the next week for more stuff.
This was a dumb thing for me to say. See, she JUST finished her master’s degree last Sunday…
“Homework already has a negative connotation to me. Then you add something that I do NOT want to do on top of it. I can’t go there right now.”
Here is my problem with that: I think that sex will never return to our lives on a regular basis without therapy. She disagrees.
I asked her if she would agree to at least consider it so I could have some kind of hope for the future.
“I didn’t say I would never do it. So do with that what you will.”
I clearly hit a subject she has zero desire to discuss. So we agreed to cross that bridge when we get there. I just hope we get there…
That wasn’t really meant to be a negative statement btw. It just kind of fell onto my keyboard. The way I write these things is what my therapist calls ‘Free Association,’ which I guess means- write whatever comes to your brain when it comes and how it comes. That seems to be the most therapeutic thing for me.
This entire thing has me confused like you wouldn’t believe. I want to be what she needs. She says that she wants to want to have sex. In my mind, if that were the case, she would be willing to do anything it took to get there. BUT, she doesn’t have my mind. ALSO, I have to remember that she is on her own timeline to recovery.
I guess that it’s entirely possible that this time next year we are neck deep in marriage counseling and sex therapy. Of course, it’s also possible that we never have sex again. So there’s that.