I spent quite a bit of my evening cleaning carpets. Our dog has been busy…
Before I began I went to the store to get a few things for tomorrow night’s dinner. Since we were home alone I picked up a quick bite for us as well.
I get home and proceeded to clean the carpet. I had intended to pretreat, watch part of a movie with her and resume cleaning when it was time. Instead I pretreated and spent all of that “together” time with my thoughts.
I finished my work, showered and sat on the couch. She said she wasn’t feeling well. ‘What’s up?’
I’m feeling down.
‘Whats going on?’
I’m feeling some emotions I hadn’t before.
I don’t want to talk about it.
I got up and had another useless, less than a minute chat with my sponsor.
“Hey, how are you doing?”
Fine. What’s up?
“Oh, I just had dinner. My company is leaving now and we’re out in the cold.”
Ok, I’ll make this short. In still sober.
“Ok, see you tomorrow night.”
I came back in to sit with her. I asked her what was up.
“In having feelings I haven’t before.”
“About you cheating on me.”
It HAD to happen. Tonight was the night. She told me that it had been going on for several days but just figured our what it was.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“I can’t look at your privates, feel your privates against me or feel your boner at night when we snuggle without thinking about it. I think of all the others you were with. What am I supposed to do with it?”
How long has this been going on?
So when we were intimate all those times, it was fake?
“No. I shouldn’t have said always. That week was real. It was the rest of the time.”
So last Friday when you hooked me up, you were thinking about it?
Why did you do it?
“I didn’t want to tell you no. I don’t want you to have to jack-off.”
If you can’t keep from thinking about it I don’t want you to touch me. Let me rephrase that. I want you to touch me but I don’t think you should. Don’t touch me if this is still going on.
“What would you think about when you would come to bed with me after you did that stuff?”
I told her that I hated myself. I knew what I had done and that hate didn’t describe the feeling well enough. I told her of the extreme shame. That I felt like the worst person in the world; I still do.
She told me that my off-color (the Balls In Your Mouth song) joke this morning did indeed start things rolling for her today.
“It used to be your off-Coe jokes or innuendos were kind of funny. Now it’s a total turn off.”
I asked her to define turn off. I can only think of that term in a sexual connotation.
“When you said swim in my ocean I knew you were talking about sex. That you wanted me to…”
Please don’t say it…
“Put your balls in my mouth. You asked me to define it.”
Now I feel like a total douche.
When we went straight to intimacy, I thought we were skipping the part where she would focus on my actions. She did too.
That isn’t possible though. It’s one of the steps she has to go through.
“Hopefully I’ll wake up tomorrow and it’ll be gone.”
It can’t be. This is something that has to happen. You can’t rush it. Take your time.
MAYBE this will be like her last upheaval of feelings. The night after my disclosure she was a basket case when we went to bed. That lasted one night. The next thing you know: massive intimacy.
Dear God, please let this be the case here.
Oddly enough, I’m glad this is going down. It’s a necessary step. If she has to go through it, better now than later.
She has been strong and unconditionally supportive of me. Now it’s my turn for her.
Babydoll, I am so sorry I caused this to happen to you. I will do anything to fix this. I want you to feel good about us. I want you to be able to look at me. No matter what, and know that we love each other in every way.
That bitching I did the other day, I’m an asshole for doing it.