As Time Goes By

A biiiiit of a downer this morning.
It’s cold here. Real cold. We live in the country. It seems that anytime a gnat farts, our power goes out. About 12:15 this morning, a gnat farted.

Our house in the country is over 100 years old. You could say there a draft in some places. Plus our room is a conversion of our porch. The porch runs the length of the house out front. We constructed a wall and cut a hole for a door in what used to be a hall. There are windows on all walls. Since those windows were part of an exterior porch, they’re not exactly the highest of quality. There are times that I feel a slight breeze next to my head when I’m on bed. There was no logical way to put heat in the room.

It gets cold.
Usually we use a large space heater. But the power went out.

Losing power was a good thing. I was watching Netflix on my iPad. Right as the movie was approaching a dangerous place for me the power went out.

As a seasoned pervert, I have a large capacity to figure out when a show is entering “dangerous” territory for me. An evening beach scene with a guy and a chick wearing a bikini, a disco-esque groove starts in the background- titties are soon to be seen.

Stuff like that.
Before the power went off, I could tell the movie was about to show titties. I was going to have to make a decision. Turn the show off or watch and deal with the possible repercussions.

God showed up and made my decision for me.

The danger was averted.

You Do What!?
Yesterday my wife revealed new information to me. It was shocking. It was disturbing. It was downright scandalous.

She told me that I woke her up with my masturbating during the night. It happened 6 different times.

I was jacking-off in my sleep. She knew I was asleep and wasn’t mad. “You really can’t control what’s going on when you’re sleeping.”

That’s pretty embarrassing.
It happened 6 different times. “I stopped you each time.”
Did I finish?
“I don’t think so.”
Well there wasn’t a mess or anything. Was I making noise?
“Oh, yeah. You were making noise.”
I woke you up!?
“Yeah, I was dead asleep and the bed started a shaking.”
How embarrassing.
“Don’t be embarrassed. You can’t control what happens when you’re asleep.”
Has this happened before?
Yes. I always thought it was because you weren’t getting it during the day and your body just did it.”

That makes sense. I guess. I’m still claiming sobriety. I don’t remember it. I know I wasn’t watching anything. I feel righteous about this.

Today’s A Downer?
I let her know last night that I was looking for a hook up. “I can’t do it.” no problem. I understand (she is entering her time). It truly didn’t trouble me either. I was totally cool with it. I prayed and she passed out asleep.

Out goes the power. I went to sleep. She tells me that I engaged in my sleep-pleasure again last night; just twice. Apparently I was a bit aggressive the second time. “You were snuggled up to me trying to keep warm and were getting after it. You kept pushing against me. I was getting moved off of the bed, so I got up and went to the couch.”

That explains why I woke up alone.

This was not the problem.

She was sitting on her side of the couch as I sat on mine. Still feeling the urge for a hook up, I sat beside her. I made small talk and what not. I made my move. I leaned over for a kiss. I must have been really obvious. She immediately said that she didn’t want to make out. I backed off.

A few minutes passed and I told her that I had been looming for that hook up. “I know. I just can’t do it.”

More time passed. We watched some stupid videos. We came across a Jimmy Fallon video for a song called ‘Balls In Your Mouth.’ It was supposed to be about tar balls in the ocean.

I told her that I wanted her to go to the ocean with me. “What does that mean?”
Well, MY ocean that is.
“I don’t want to go there.”
Ok.

Time passes.
“I don’t know if I can ever do oral sex again.” I know why…
Ok…
“I want to have desire again. After your disclosure, I thought it was back. It’s obviously not. If I we could just have days like yesterday, I’d be totally happy.” This meant if we never had sex again, she’s be cool with it.

I told her that if it never comes back, we’ll be ok.
“You said that if it doesn’t come back we’re through.”
That ain’t happening.

I have discovered that each intimate moment is a special gift from her. Especially the physically intimate moments. I will cherish each one of them. Always.

‘When I said I Do, I meant it. I say it everyday and will keep saying it.’
I think that was a really good thing to say.

I told her that I do have needs but it is my job to make sure her needs are met before mine are. Her need is for celibacy.
It sucks. I don’t like it. I hate it.

It’s my fucking fault.
I have NO right to complain. I caused this mess and I have to live with the consequences.
So be it.

I said that it would be nice if she could give me a hook up when she was able. I asked for her hugs and kisses. That’s really what I need.

I td her that there would be times that I would seriously have to have a release.
“So you want me to do something I don’t want to?”
No. But I’ll probably be using your pictures quite a bit.

That’s something she’s cool with.
I’m ok with it too.
Actually, I’m not. But I will live with it.

I’ll be able to accept this situation more and more as time goes by.

Advertisements

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Recovery and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to As Time Goes By

  1. chipgruver says:

    Nicely done. What you didn’t see was the fireworks that the angels were setting off when you put your wife’s desires above your own.

    It’s almost like you have a Father in Heaven who is protecting you from yourself. Be careful with Netflix (and other video sites). There is essentially pornographic material on there.

    So good to see you growing.

    -Chip

    • It’s tough to do. Especially when her need is celibacy. I jokingly told her I could become a priest now.

      She didn’t laugh…

      If strange things like losing power when I’m about to encounter dangerous material keep happening, I might have to consider someone is looking out for me.
      Nah…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s