Sobriety Day 4

Day 4
Becoming sober (or at least attempting) sucks. I’m not very good at it.

I have sort of come near a depression. And by that I mean replace ‘sort of come near’ with ‘full blown.’

This is a serious concern. The previous depression led to a suicide attempt. Having been hospitalized for that once this year already one would think I would never go there again. It is a dehumanizing experience.
Nope.
I went there. A little over 2 months ago I tried to off myself.

That knowledge concerns me for two reasons.
1. Hospitalization did not deter a second situation.
2. The capacity to do stupid shit is always there.

My bride and I had a very nice text exchange during the day. It went kind of like this:
“You were very wrong about your first post.”
Yeah, I know. What did you think of my second post?
“It was ok”
Thoughts?
“Don’t resort to drinking”
Why?
“One addiction is enough”
But I would be replacing sex with booze.
“No, you’d have 2 addictions”
I didn’t say I would become an alcoholic
“Medicating with booze instead of sex? What would you call it then?”
I guess you’re right.
“Don’t do it. That would probably be the straw that breaks my back.”
Ok. Want me to get us something to drink tonight? 😉
“Shut up”

So that was cool. But the thing about depression (my flavor at least) is that I can go from a decent place to the depths of hell in less than an hour.
And that happened today.

I started the conversation with:
Did you know over 90% of marriages with a bipolar spouse end in divorce?
“So?”
That doesn’t include an addiction.
“So?”
I think we’re screwed.
“Stop it”

That went on for a bit. I kind of went down the, ‘I suck, nobody could ever love me if they knew about me…I’ll just go eat worms’ path.
“You have to stop that.”
I’m in an incredibly bad place mentally right now….

I told her that all of my self-defeating thoughts were back. That the worst thoughts, about me, had returned. I told her that the last 2 days were a direct result of my deepening depression.

For the second day in a row I was hit between the eyes. This time it was from my bride when she said:
I love you.  I love you with everything in me and that will NEVER change.  You are my soulmate, my partner in life, and my best friend.  I love you.

Immediately followed by:
I don’t care what we go through, no matter how hard it is, I will always love you and stand by your side.  I wish I could make you not doubt that.

We are both teachers. Those 2 texts came during the middle of one of my classes. Thank The Lord I didn’t read them during that class. I would have cried my eyes out right in front of the kids.

I saw those texts during my lunch period. Thankfully.
I was toast. I’m also thankful that I had already left for Subway, but not yet out of the car. I needed a few moments to compose myself.

It’s just that I have such a special situation. Some guys get divorced- my bride stands beside me. Some ladies cut their man off sexually for huge amounts of time- my bride provides for my needs. Sometimes it’s just to hook me up, sometimes she’s fired up to get started. Some guys are rejected by their wives completely. My bride not only accepts me, but she’s there to support me and hold my hand as WE go through this together.

I can be a whiny bitch. I selfishly gripe and complain that things aren’t going my way. I fuss over the lack of immediate progress and recovery. I can fire off incredibly hurtful remarks with no regard for the damage caused. I can rant and rave over “facts” that exist only in my mind.

She stands by me.
She supports me.
She wants to be with me.
She remains my best friend and soulmate.

How can I complain?
Who am I to say “this isn’t good enough” and brush her MASSIVE efforts aside?
Who am I to question her motivations?
Who am I go question her commitment?

This guy needs to learn the fact that some people need a break from bitchy drama. I need to learn that sometimes things can go unsaid. I need to learn that just because I think it, it’s not necessarily true. I need to learn how to trust that bride of mine AND accept the fact that she’s true to her word.

I continually speak out about how convinced I am she’s leaving. Cut that crap out!! I was always taught that you need to be careful of the things you provide a voice for. They might come true.

I need to rebuke those thoughts when they come I to my mind.

I need to become a giver.
The SA White Book speaks of becoming a giver. When you have a negative feeling toward your wife, pray for her. Pray that she receives the best things you are asking for yourself. She may never know you’re giving her this gift. You know.

My recovery is about me. My job, right now, is to take care of me. To get myself right. Turn my addiction around. Growing closer to God will bring us closer.

I like that.
I’m going to give this a shot. My best shot.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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9 Responses to Sobriety Day 4

  1. sarecover says:

    Couple questions. First, what are you prescribed and how much? Second, you gotta stop TRYING to drive her away. Just because you hate yourself doesn’t mean she needs to as well. I realize that that last sentence only works when our heads are clear and telling that to someone who is in a depression is pointless, yet I will say it anyway.

    You will become a self fulfilling prophecy if you aren’t careful.

    • On the self-fulfilling prophecy- that’s what I meant when I said I have to be careful about what I give a voice to.

      This is crazy, I think I was actually TRYING to drive her away. “I suck, 90% of marriages fail, you deserve better, I don’t deserve you” aren’t exactly statements of please help me through this.

      Great comment. Thank you.

      I’m on 450mg of Wellbutrin. It works decently enough when I’m in a positive state of mind. If I’m even slightly down its worthless. Well, at least I’m not taking 30 painkillers or trying to gas myself to death. So there is that.

  2. sarecover says:

    Zoloft 75mg here. Seems to really take the edge of the “end of the world” shit.

    • I was taken to the max dosage 2 months ago by my shrink.

      I see 3 doctors for this stuff.
      1. The Good Doctor is my psychologist/therapist for SA.
      2. My shrink (psychiatrist) gives me the meds. He’s likely unnecessary at this point.
      3. My primary doctor is willing to give/manage my meds.

      My primary has no clue about my addiction. That’s only my psychologist. I’m nervous about telling the primary for two reasons: he’s really new for me and he’s a childhood (kind of) friend of my wife’s. It’s a comfort thing.

  3. sarecover says:

    Don’t you just wish that you had this little monkey on your shoulder who would punch you in the neck every time you opened your mouth to say something that was stupid. I would pay for a monkey like that.

  4. chipgruver says:

    I would add to this post. But you said all that I would have added. It’s good to see your insight increasing.

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