I Was Wrong or Swap It Out

Her reaction
I didn’t say I hated to see you cry
I hugged back
Only natural defenses are going back up
We aren’t where we started
Speak for yourself

I guess I have zero clue on reading her. What I thought was a post in which I was giving up showing emotion…you guessed it…hurt her.

Its as if any time I show emotion or say what’s on my mind- she gets hurt.
If I don’t do those things- she gets hurt

She told what should have been a funny story when we woke up. We bought a new car last night. Her dad was helping her get it home. The perfume in get purse had spilled. “Did you guys have a drink at the dealership?” her father asked. “No” was her I’m
Educate response. “Ok, I didn’t think so. I just smelled alcohol.” She pulled out her perfume and explained how it had spilled. He went on to talk about how it had reminded him of his alcoholic father coming home. “I didn’t pull out my flask, dad.”

It should have been funny. It wasn’t. Why? First, I’ve re-entered depression. I didn’t want to admit it, but there it is. I’m back. Nothing is really funny right now. Second, all I could think of was, “I could use booze instead of porn.”

I was actually considering drinking alcohol as a replacement to porn and sex. I was considering swapping out addictions.

The interesting thing- if I thought it would work, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I could deal with that way easier than sex addiction. At least I could speak of it publicly.

What’s even worse?
The thought remains. I’m being SERIOUSLY pulled in that direction. And by seriously pulled I mean I had a hard time not buying so etching when I stopped at the store on the way to work.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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4 Responses to I Was Wrong or Swap It Out

  1. sarecover says:

    Dude, it sounds like you’re still not getting what she needs. You’re operating in extremes. Always, never… these words need to fall out of your vocabulary of thought. One minute at a time. Honesty with her. Cry if you need to but be sensitive to what she needs too. Even though it is all about you, don’t make it all about you. 🙂
    Full disclosure statement: I am getting divorced because I am an addict, asshole, and anti-social. My advice should be considered only as a last resort.

    • Man, I totally identify with your disclosure. Addict, asshole and anti-social. I think your advice is incredibly valid.

      It seems to me that the 2 of us are incredibly alike. I have an incredibly negative self-image. Reading your comments and posts, you do too.

      It’s funny how hearing/reading the thoughts of others crystallizes my thoughts.

      We both need to come to grips with our humanity. We are t terrible people. We’re good people that fucked up.

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