I Was Wrong or Swap It Out

Her reaction
I didn’t say I hated to see you cry
I hugged back
Only natural defenses are going back up
We aren’t where we started
Speak for yourself

I guess I have zero clue on reading her. What I thought was a post in which I was giving up showing emotion…you guessed it…hurt her.

Its as if any time I show emotion or say what’s on my mind- she gets hurt.
If I don’t do those things- she gets hurt

She told what should have been a funny story when we woke up. We bought a new car last night. Her dad was helping her get it home. The perfume in get purse had spilled. “Did you guys have a drink at the dealership?” her father asked. “No” was her I’m
Educate response. “Ok, I didn’t think so. I just smelled alcohol.” She pulled out her perfume and explained how it had spilled. He went on to talk about how it had reminded him of his alcoholic father coming home. “I didn’t pull out my flask, dad.”

It should have been funny. It wasn’t. Why? First, I’ve re-entered depression. I didn’t want to admit it, but there it is. I’m back. Nothing is really funny right now. Second, all I could think of was, “I could use booze instead of porn.”

I was actually considering drinking alcohol as a replacement to porn and sex. I was considering swapping out addictions.

The interesting thing- if I thought it would work, I’d do it in a heartbeat.

I could deal with that way easier than sex addiction. At least I could speak of it publicly.

What’s even worse?
The thought remains. I’m being SERIOUSLY pulled in that direction. And by seriously pulled I mean I had a hard time not buying so etching when I stopped at the store on the way to work.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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