I’m a fucking mess.
I had a great night last night.
We had a great talk.
As we talked I figured something out: I have elevated her to god status.
Let me explain.
The entire time I’ve known her I have always thought she was perfect in every way. I always thought the way she did stuff was something to be admired, emulated and even strived for. So when she does anything negative, it’s a massive blow.
For example: yesterday morning we were texting. I sent her a message and her response was incredibly sarcastic; not like her at all.
I was floored. What the hell!? Why did that happen. It seriously hurt. Come to find out, she misunderstood something I said and was fighting back. When I found out, it hurt even more.
Because God doesn’t do that.
Why would she? She’s perfect in every way. How did this happen.
I have an unbelievably unrealistic set of expectations for her.
I told her this and apologized.
Come to find out, she hates it when I cry. Annnnnd this is a problem because I’ve been doing it a lot lately.
“I hate seeing you act like that.”
I didn’t used to be like this. I never cried. Ever. All of a sudden, I’m a tear factory. What really sucks? When I would cry I’d get embarrassed. I’d hide my face and tell her I was sorry. “It’s ok” she would say.
It wasn’t ok.
I woke up early this morning. Things were forming and crystallizing in my mind. I asked for a hug. She rolled over and let me hug her. I held tight, she had her arms on me.
This is new.
See, last night we talked about how the recent events have caused her to rebuild her defensive walls. “All the goodwill we had built up is gone” wax the way I put it. “I wouldn’t say all of it”
It’s all gone.
We’re back to where we started.
I have decided that I have to hide my emotions. She hates seeing them. I also have to be able to view her as a woman, not god.
This shit sucks.
I was getting my emotions out. I have to find another way to deal with them. Showing them at home causes nothing but problems.