The bare minimum and tough feelings

I have arrived in a bad place. Immediately before my disclosure, I had told her that I was sure she would get into individual counseling and discover her true feelings. That discovery would lead to our divorce.

For the week immediately after the disclosure, I had never felt closer to another human. Never.
That week ended. It has been straight downhill since. In my mind at least.

Last night was the first time she acknowledged it. “It seems that our honeymoon period is coming to an end” was how she put it. I said it had been over for at least a week.

That period is over.
We are right back at where we had started before the disclosure. No intimacy and a good deal of bickering.

I said something to her last night that I truly believe. We were discussing our intimacy lack of intimacy. “I am confident that if you were married to another man right now you would have zero problems with intimacy.”

She talked about how ridiculous that was. “I’m not going anywhere so we do t even need to talk about that,”

I have serious doubts about that.
The other day she talked about her realization that my problems would never go away. Then she talked, that same night, about how my addiction made no sense to get. “Just keep your hand out of your pants” was the first shot. Followed immediately by, “just keep yourself away from those websites.”

I’ll get right on that.

She allegedly spine with her therapist about my addiction. That apparently went nowhere. She still doesn’t get it.

She told me that the therapist instructed her something new. If she feels I’m being a whiny bitch, tell me and walk away. “You’re being a bitch and I don’t want to see it of hear it. Do that in your room” and she turns and walks away.
Nice.

You’re having serious feelings? Too fucking bad. I don’t don’t find that attractive. Go away.

Guess what?
She fucking doesn’t find anything attractive. I could have the body of a god and a 10 inch cock and she wouldn’t care.

“I don’t do that.”

I’m kind of ranting here.

It’s just that I want SO badly for this to work out. I will do ANYTHING to make that happen. A return (new) intimacy. A closeness we thought we had. Working as a team. Having MUTUAL desire.

Hell, I desire her mind more than her hot body right now. “I need a break from you” is what she texted me not 15 minutes ago.

The one person on earth that I should be able to go to for love and support. For advice and encouragement doesn’t want to talk to me.

Nice

I mentioned abandonment yesterday. TGAT feeling is alive and thriving in my mind right now.

“I’ve supported and encouraged you. The other day when you confessed your relapse, I did nothing but support you and give you affirmation,”

Except she told me last night that she did it so if shut the fuck up. She hates it when I get that way. “I need to talk you off of the ledge” is something she says frequently.

No
I need my wife to love me. I need her to support me, give affirmations and encouragement because she lives me. Not because she doesn’t find me attractive right then.

Wi she be pissed off about this post?
Your god damn right she will.
THAT is none of my business though.

I have no confidence on her desire to heal our marriage right now. None. There are very specific things that need to be done. “I can’t do that” or “I’m not ready for that” if whatever fucking excuse she gives.

It’s our marriage.
Maybe a little discomfort is ok.

It is her lack of desire to fix/improve things that leads me to believe we are in a temporary relationship.

Do you want it better?
Yes- do the fucking work
No- tell me do I can move on with my life

This, “I’m not comfortable with that” or “I’m not able to do that” business is fucking bullshit.

I bullshitted for 29 years.
I don’t want bullshit. I want recovery. If you can’t give me effort on that. Cut me the fuck loose so we can move the hell on.

Is that too much to ask?

“I’m getting individual help. What else do you want? It’s never good enough!”

It isn’t good enough when only the absolute bare minimum is attempted.

I want a pulse. I want appreciable effort.

My next post will be from the couch as I pull her shoe out of my ass.

Did this go too far?
Probably.
Is it real emotion?
Your damn straight it is.
Do I mean all of it?
I don’t know, but I feel a little better.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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5 Responses to The bare minimum and tough feelings

  1. chipgruver says:

    Good to hear your honesty. It is much easier to be of service when we know what is really going on. Thank you for that honesty. It’s difficult to help the problem isn’t clear.

    It is good to see you progressing from depression to hope to anger. As weird as it sounds, you are growing into this point. You had these feelings the whole time but now they have bubbled to the surface. Sure they look gross on the surface, but here they can be dealt with.

    One of the dangers of anger is that we are so tempted to be rash. Every problem needs a solution right now when we are angry. We demand that people make sweeping commitments. We say things that we can’t take back. We don’t look to our goal and strive for it, we seek to satisfy the rage in our souls.

    I fear this is what you are doing. You say that your goal is to have your marriage to “work out” when everything else in this post is you looking for all the ways your wife has screwed you. She even said she isn’t going anywhere (a bold commitment) and your response is to certain that she is lying. You are sabotaging yourself. She isn’t the enemy.

    Your complaints about her may be accurate, but they are also failing to account for the whole picture. Take a moment and think of all the things she HAS done for you.

    She has stayed with you for 29 years
    She has committed to remain with you
    She has gone to some therapy
    She is considering going to a group
    She continues to have sex with you despite how unsafe that has been (albiet, not as often as you would like)
    She has tolerated and supported your moodiness
    She has given you backrubs

    She sure looks like a lady who is really trying to help. For her effort, I see you shooting her for what she hasn’t done. Don’t you see, you are killing what you claim to love! Far from being thankful for what she has done, you are marching into your marriage with a sense of entitlement to what she hasn’t done. How discouraging for her!

    So that brings me to the question. Who are you really mad at? Is it yourself? Is it God? You need to figure this out. Your wife is not the cause of your anger, she is the victim of your anger. If God is the problem, go yell at him. He can take it.

    James 4:1-2 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder.

    You are murdering your marriage right now. Not because it is so terribly broken, but because it is not as perfect as you would like it to be. Don’t be a fool. Don’t sacrifice the good on the alter of the perfect.

    I am giving you hard words because I think you have a hard heart. It’s because I really have come to care for you. I want to see you succeed. Your are a brother. Let’s walk this hard road together and not give up.

    There is lots of grace for you, my friend. Go, apologize to your wife. Find who you are angry with and forgive them. Jesus died on a cross to pay the debt between you. Let him pay it!

    Jesus will walk with you through this.

    I love you.

    -Chip

    • Very true words. Very true.

      You are completely correct. I am not mad at my wife. She had the displeasure of running into my bipolar pusses offness today.

      My anger toward her is totally a symptom of my anger toward me.

      Why did I say those things?
      I know why I said them- I was thinking them. Those thoughts were banging around my mind until I got them out.

      My personal therapy method is to write stuff and get it out.

      What I should have done, if I wanted to keep this stuff on my blog, would to have put a password on those posts.

      She’s pissed. She’s hurt and she’s disappointed. Rightfully so.

    • A hard heart?
      I’d agree with that 100%.

      I don’t know how to deal with it either.

  2. sarecover says:

    Chip is right. Your addict is fighting the good man in you. She owes you nothing. You’re lucky she doesn’t ruin your life. She could. Be the man you fucking need to be. p.s. I’m divorcing because she couldn’t be part of my recovery anymore.

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