I have arrived in a bad place. Immediately before my disclosure, I had told her that I was sure she would get into individual counseling and discover her true feelings. That discovery would lead to our divorce.
For the week immediately after the disclosure, I had never felt closer to another human. Never.
That week ended. It has been straight downhill since. In my mind at least.
Last night was the first time she acknowledged it. “It seems that our honeymoon period is coming to an end” was how she put it. I said it had been over for at least a week.
That period is over.
We are right back at where we had started before the disclosure. No intimacy and a good deal of bickering.
I said something to her last night that I truly believe. We were discussing our
intimacy lack of intimacy. “I am confident that if you were married to another man right now you would have zero problems with intimacy.”
She talked about how ridiculous that was. “I’m not going anywhere so we do t even need to talk about that,”
I have serious doubts about that.
The other day she talked about her realization that my problems would never go away. Then she talked, that same night, about how my addiction made no sense to get. “Just keep your hand out of your pants” was the first shot. Followed immediately by, “just keep yourself away from those websites.”
I’ll get right on that.
She allegedly spine with her therapist about my addiction. That apparently went nowhere. She still doesn’t get it.
She told me that the therapist instructed her something new. If she feels I’m being a whiny bitch, tell me and walk away. “You’re being a bitch and I don’t want to see it of hear it. Do that in your room” and she turns and walks away.
You’re having serious feelings? Too fucking bad. I don’t don’t find that attractive. Go away.
She fucking doesn’t find anything attractive. I could have the body of a god and a 10 inch cock and she wouldn’t care.
“I don’t do that.”
I’m kind of ranting here.
It’s just that I want SO badly for this to work out. I will do ANYTHING to make that happen. A return (new) intimacy. A closeness we thought we had. Working as a team. Having MUTUAL desire.
Hell, I desire her mind more than her hot body right now. “I need a break from you” is what she texted me not 15 minutes ago.
The one person on earth that I should be able to go to for love and support. For advice and encouragement doesn’t want to talk to me.
I mentioned abandonment yesterday. TGAT feeling is alive and thriving in my mind right now.
“I’ve supported and encouraged you. The other day when you confessed your relapse, I did nothing but support you and give you affirmation,”
Except she told me last night that she did it so if shut the fuck up. She hates it when I get that way. “I need to talk you off of the ledge” is something she says frequently.
I need my wife to love me. I need her to support me, give affirmations and encouragement because she lives me. Not because she doesn’t find me attractive right then.
Wi she be pissed off about this post?
Your god damn right she will.
THAT is none of my business though.
I have no confidence on her desire to heal our marriage right now. None. There are very specific things that need to be done. “I can’t do that” or “I’m not ready for that” if whatever fucking excuse she gives.
It’s our marriage.
Maybe a little discomfort is ok.
It is her lack of desire to fix/improve things that leads me to believe we are in a temporary relationship.
Do you want it better?
Yes- do the fucking work
No- tell me do I can move on with my life
This, “I’m not comfortable with that” or “I’m not able to do that” business is fucking bullshit.
I bullshitted for 29 years.
I don’t want bullshit. I want recovery. If you can’t give me effort on that. Cut me the fuck loose so we can move the hell on.
Is that too much to ask?
“I’m getting individual help. What else do you want? It’s never good enough!”
It isn’t good enough when only the absolute bare minimum is attempted.
I want a pulse. I want appreciable effort.
My next post will be from the couch as I pull her shoe out of my ass.
Did this go too far?
Is it real emotion?
Your damn straight it is.
Do I mean all of it?
I don’t know, but I feel a little better.