Harsh, Man

My previous 2 posts are out of my system. A few of the things I wrote are completely true.
1. I’m not happy at all with my therapy progress and a of the things associated that come with it.
2. I’m angry. Incredibly angry.
3. I think my wife will see the light and move on. {This one makes her mad. I still can’t get the feeling/idea out of my mind. Part of that is I think she’s crazy to stay with me. I’m bipolar and I’ve a sex addiction. Not what you would call the best exacta to build your marriage around.}
4. I think that should she remarry, she would have a healthy level of intimacy.

Those things are true. They stay in my mind irrespective of what anyone says. I don’t like the thoughts. I hate them. I hate the mind that they live in. That guy’s mind belongs to a serious asshole.

Something I learned earlier this year when I was in the nuthouse was that I “write my own realities.” Meaning I take the information at hand, send it through my very unhealthy mind filter and come up with what is clearly true not worth even considering.

So goes most of the opinions and feelings I fired off today.

One of the best things about having a blog is the set of relationships that are formed. We have no real idea who the other is, yet we tell them how it is. Something most of us (me) couldn’t do to someone we had actual contact with.

That has never been shown to be more correct than today.

I present to you, in it’s full, perfectly stated self, a comment that kicked my ass:

Good to hear your honesty. It is much easier to be of service when we know what is really going on. Thank you for that honesty. It’s difficult to help the problem isn’t clear.

It is good to see you progressing from depression to hope to anger. As weird as it sounds, you are growing into this point. You had these feelings the whole time but now they have bubbled to the surface. Sure they look gross on the surface, but here they can be dealt with.

One of the dangers of anger is that we are so tempted to be rash. Every problem needs a solution right now when we are angry. We demand that people make sweeping commitments. We say things that we can’t take back. We don’t look to our goal and strive for it, we seek to satisfy the rage in our souls.

I fear this is what you are doing. You say that your goal is to have your marriage to “work out” when everything else in this post is you looking for all the ways your wife has screwed you. She even said she isn’t going anywhere (a bold commitment) and your response is to certain that she is lying. You are sabotaging yourself. She isn’t the enemy.

Your complaints about her may be accurate, but they are also failing to account for the whole picture. Take a moment and think of all the things she HAS done for you.

She has stayed with you for 29 years
She has committed to remain with you
She has gone to some therapy
She is considering going to a group
She continues to have sex with you despite how unsafe that has been (albiet, not as often as you would like)
She has tolerated and supported your moodiness
She has given you backrubs

She sure looks like a lady who is really trying to help. For her effort, I see you shooting her for what she hasn’t done. Don’t you see, you are killing what you claim to love! Far from being thankful for what she has done, you are marching into your marriage with a sense of entitlement to what she hasn’t done. How discouraging for her!

So that brings me to the question. Who are you really mad at? Is it yourself? Is it God? You need to figure this out. Your wife is not the cause of your anger, she is the victim of your anger. If God is the problem, go yell at him. He can take it.

James 4:1-2 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? You desire and do not have, so you murder.

You are murdering your marriage right now. Not because it is so terribly broken, but because it is not as perfect as you would like it to be. Don’t be a fool. Don’t sacrifice the good on the alter of the perfect.

I am giving you hard words because I think you have a hard heart. It’s because I really have come to care for you. I want to see you succeed. Your are a brother. Let’s walk this hard road together and not give up.

There is lots of grace for you, my friend. Go, apologize to your wife. Find who you are angry with and forgive them. Jesus died on a cross to pay the debt between you. Let him pay it!

Jesus will walk with you through this.

I love you.

I shall now comment upon the comment
One of the dangers of anger is that we are so tempted to be rash. Every problem needs a solution right now when we are angry. We demand that people make sweeping commitments. We say things that we can’t take back. We don’t look to our goal and strive for it, we seek to satisfy the rage in our souls.
I seriously do want a solution and I want it right the hell now. I have made, many times, things I can never take back. I’m not sure I was seeking to satisfy my rage (I probably was)- I do know that I wasn’t striving for any goals.

You say that your goal is to have your marriage to “work out” when everything else in this post is you looking for all the ways your wife has screwed you. She even said she isn’t going anywhere (a bold commitment) and your response is to certain that she is lying. You are sabotaging yourself. She isn’t the enemy.
That is incredibly insightful. I WAS talking about all the ways she has screwed me over. What. The. Hell!?
I’m the one that fucked up here. She’s the victim in all of this. So I go off and say ‘She’s not doing shit.’ Seriously?

I quote my wife- she said, “you need to get over yourself.” Quite right. Fuck that guy.

Your complaints about her may be accurate, but they are also failing to account for the whole picture. Take a moment and think of all the things she HAS done for you.
Again, money. As she said, “you conveniently left a few things out,” Specifically the part about her not getting addiction. She did say that it’s easier said than done.

The comment mentioned a few of the things she has done for me:
She has stayed with you for 29 years
She has committed to remain with you
She has gone to some therapy
She is considering going to a group
She continues to have sex with you despite how unsafe that has been (albiet, not as often as you would like)
She has tolerated and supported your moodiness
She has given you backrubs

Kind of. We’ve only been married for 21 years. 29 years referred to my time since molested. The rest was on the spot perfect.

The moodiness part sucks the most. She sees this stuff coming a mile away. Line I said, I’m bipolar. That brings a while different set of issues to the table. I can go from a great dude to Dick Wad in a snap.

Don’t you see, you are killing what you claim to love! Far from being thankful for what she has done, you are marching into your marriage with a sense of entitlement to what she hasn’t done. How discouraging for her!
I see it now. A sense of entitlement!? Ha! I fucking own entitlement. Having a sense of entitlement is far to lame an explanation. It is incredibly discouraging to her.

You are murdering your marriage right now. Not because it is so terribly broken, but because it is not as perfect as you would like it to be. Don’t be a fool. Don’t sacrifice the good on the alter of the perfect.
Harsh. Very harsh. Totally true, but harsh. It needed to be said. Thank you. It’s kind of interesting, I frequently tell her how perfect she is. She’s not and she knows it. She’s perfect for me. So if she’s do perfect, why can’t she perfectly fit the mold in my mind?

Because you’re a selfish dick, that’s why.

I’m about to go into my therapy session. I get to unload this stuff on him. And then tonight, I get to unload on Him.

Hope returns!
I pray I haven’t fucked up to much.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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One Response to Harsh, Man

  1. Pingback: Sobriety Day 3 | My Journey In Sexual Addiction And Recovery

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