3 Steps Forward 30 Back

I’m pissed.
I have been pissed for a long time. I realized the other day that I had been filtering myself. Why, you may ask? Because my wife reads this drivel. I don’t want to offend her any more than I already have. Also, my therapist, allegedly, reads this as well.

That is over. This blog was started specifically for me to get things off of my chest. If someone doesn’t like it, to fucking bad. These are my thoughts. I don’t need to filter them for anyone.

Here goes…

She had a great therapy session last night. Great. I’m glad. I really am. Here’s what she brought home: “when you mess up and confess, you act like a mopy little boy. It’s a real turn off.”

Fine. Except I don’t give a shit if it’s attractive or not. I’m not trying to be fucking attractive when I’m confessing something. She said she’ll just walk the other way. Also fine. Except you’re completely ignoring something that is deeply felt. I’m not supposed to avoid or isolate, but she can. Got it.

I’m doing a lot of reading and listening on this stuff. A lot. A ridiculous amount. When I share a sliver of it, she generally gets a little uncomfortable. Many times she tells me to stop talking about it.

I don’t get it. Things are really fucked up and I’m trying to fix it. At the very least I’m trying to bring helpful information to the table. “I don’t want to hear it” or “I don’t want to talk about it” are frequently heard.

I do understand that she and I are on different time tables. That makes sense. I don’t understand refusing information.

Therapy sucks. There was a time that I loomed forward to it. I don’t anymore. In fact, I’m seriously considering a halt to therapy. Nothing is happening. We talk about the same thing every week. If we discuss 10 things, 9.7 were discussed last week. I hear the same stuff over and over.

And my therapist wants me to take an assortment of assessments. At least two of them will cost me money. Over $100 kind of money.

No. I will not be doing that. I’m not paying someone money do I can spend more money on a test he wants me to take. And I sure as hell won’t be taking an assessment during my therapy session. I’m not paying money so he can watch me take a test.

Last week I asked him if I get a copy if the results. “No, but you can have access to the data here.”

No. If I’m paying money to take a test, I’d better fucking get a copy of the results. No results, no test.

Now if he can explain to me that these assessments are come tell necessary, maybe, maybe I’ll do it. I just can’t see any need for these tests. Do you listen to me? Do you pay attention to me? Those should be plenty of information.

The thing is, I really don’t think I am being listened to or paid attention to. 2 weeks ago, at least 2 weeks ago, I told him about my disclosure to my wife. Last week he was talking about setting up my disclosure with my wife and her therapist. “I’ve already disclosed everything to her.”
“You did?”
“Yes, we talked about this last week.”

It’s like he does no preparation for my session. During my wife’s initial session, her therapist asked her to sign a release so she could talk to my therapist (their offices are right next to each other) about our respective therapies and strategies to keep us on the same page. She was told that this was to make sure she wasn’t told one thing and I was told something wildly different .
This clearly has not happened.

I’m going to chalk last week up to it wax the day before Thanksgiving.

I clearly need to have a chat with him about my viewpoint. I can’t just show up today and say, “This is going poorly. We’re done here.” I am trying to be responsible. A couple of months ago, that’s exactly what I would have done. He needs to know that I’m unhappy. That’s the only fair and responsible thing to do. If there’s no change or improvement- then and only then do I cease treatment.

I say cease treatment for a reason. Apparently he is the only guy in our area that takes my insurance. When we initially started marriage counseling, the therapist said she would find me someone that takes my insurance and would be a good fit for me. She also said that I was to look as well. I was to report back in 2 days.

I did that. I loomed and I looked. Nobody takes my insurance. She finally hooked me up with someone. Someone who doesn’t take my insurance. Her email said, “this is who I usually refer people to.” This was a slap in the face. Not only did she put no thought into the referral, but it room her 5 days past when she said it would be done.
Yes, I let her know about it.

Eventually she referred me to my current therapist. Sexual addiction is apparently something he is very good at therapyizing with. It seemed to be a perfect fit. I even told her that she had obviously thought about it this time.

I just think I’m wasting my time. I see zero progress.

And then there’s the conversation from this morning. Admittedly, it was shitty timing. We woke up together and I hit it immediately. “The interview I listened to last night says you will never regain your intimacy with me.
“Great.”
“That is unless we go into sex therapy.”
“I’m not doing that. It’s too personal.”

Here’s what has me pissed: I am willing to do ANYTHING to get us fixed. She is not.

Everything I/we read says she has to get into a group. She won’t do it.
The sex therapy wax talked about during marriage counseling. Now she won’t do it. It’s too personal.

I call bullshit on that.
She’s going through individual therapy. That’s not personal? She told her therapist about me blowing dudes. That’s not personal.

I think that as long as she doesn’t have to get I to deep stuff, she’s totally cool with it. Sex therapy is personal. Real damn personal. About as personal as it gets.
But this is about the success or failure of our marriage. Maybe she could get over it.

I do not expect her to do it. I think there’s no way in hell she will do it. I also think there’s no way in hell we will ever go back to marriage counseling. I truly think we are as good as it’s going to get.

I think that she is totally unwilling to do what is necessary to get us fixed. It’s too hard for her. She’s too uncomfortable with it.

Yes, she has done a LOT so far. She didn’t leave. She didn’t kick me out. She didn’t get violent or anything else like that. She HAS supported me. All of that stuff. I just think that if it comes down to her needing to get deep down and dirty, maybe even make some changes, it will never happen.

All that hope I had before. Long, long gone. I truly believe that her therapy is setting her up for her future. Without me. And that’s cool. She deserves that. I just hope she figures it out soon.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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3 Responses to 3 Steps Forward 30 Back

  1. sarecover says:

    This was honest… finally. Recovery is a mine field. I am sorry for your pain. I hope that between the two of you that you can find common ground. I agree that you should challenge your therapist. I had a therapist like that for a while and it annoyed me to no end. Tell him to do his fucking job. If he can’t remember your last session he has too many clients. Do you have a sponsor?

    • Finally honest? Damn straight.

      I got a sponsor a few days ago. I’m less than happy with the situation.

      I’ve called twice. Both times the call lasted a grand total of 5 minutes.
      “Are you sober?
      “Do what you did today and you’ll be fine”
      “Read this part of the SA book. Call me tomorrow.”

      I guess I assumed there would be done kind of meaningful conversation going on. Maybe it will come after a few more quickie chats. I’m just not very optimistic right now.

      • sarecover says:

        Get a different sponsor. That guys a dick. How long has been sober? What was his issue? My sponsor crawls up my ass when I’m honest but stupid. You’ve probably seen the post.

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