Sobriety: Day 2
I think I’m going to live.
I called my sponsor last night. “Are you sober today?”
“Well keep doing whatever you did today and you’ll be sober tomorrow too.”
Ok, makes sense
“You need to read x and y. Those will help you get started.”
He had to make it quick, he had company for dinner. I was totally cool with that anyway. This is a bit uncomfortable for me right now. I know it will get easier, it’s just that I’m giving incredibly personal information to a guy I’ve seen twice. For an hour each time.
The first Real Night The wife and I had a “fight” last night as well. It was pretty tame for what we have had in the past. Yesterday morning I sent her a calendar invitation to “Address Love Languages” for each night. Now this was really a reminder for me to do this every day. But I also think that I wanted to score some brownie points for sending it. yeah, that is totally true. She accepted the invitation.
During lunch I called her.
“I would really like it if you could give me specific ways that I can help you. After that, I can do it on my own.” <Her language is acts of service>
“OK, I can do that.”
I was excited to hear this.
You see, my plan was to do whatever it takes to speed up the recovery process of our marriage.
After work I drove over to her office.
“Did you come up with a list?”
No, I’ve been teaching.
I could tell there was more. She was leaving stuff out again. She didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
What is it?
“I just need you to do what you say you’re going to do. You’ve taken over the money and you’re keeping the kitchen up. That is huge.”
She went on to say that I am doing enough. This is more than you’ve ever done before. Why do I want to add more?
“It’s almost like you think that the more you do, the faster we get better.”
That is exactly what I was thinking.
She told me that if I can just do my new stuff, we can add to it later.
It made sense. That’s probably why it hurt me.
Here I was, trying to make things better. I was making an effort to speak her love language and I was being rejected. “I don’t want you to speak my love language” is what I heard her saying.
As a result, she wouldn’t be speaking my love language.
She instantly saw that I was hurt.
She said something about how she knew she should have kept that to herself; she didn’t want to hurt my feelings.
She’s right. It did hurt my feelings.
<Remember, I have major depression and bipolar, she is trying to keep me from falling into a major depression>
I don’t want her to protect me. We’ve been over that at the house a
few hundred times.
I stewed over this all night.
As I was finishing up reconciling our checkbook, she comes up behind me and gives me a pretty nice shoulder massage. She was obviously trying to speak my love language. When we first learned the love languages, we thought mine was obviously physical touch. Physical touch is nice. Real nice. Words of affirmation is my love language though. I get excited when she says nice things to me. I get butterflies when she says certain things to me.
I was actually upset that she gave me a neck massage.
“She knows my language is words of affirmation” went through my head.
Dude, you’re an asshole. She is trying to hook you up and you’re pissed off about it??
I went to bed immediately after doing the dishes. I had a pounding headache. She read our evening devotion. Normally this would be where I would pray over our family, each other and our marriage. Not last night. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.
I couldn’t sleep.
I was dead tired but couldn’t sleep.
I rolled over.
“What are you doing?”
I’m reading People Magazine.
“When did you start caring about that crap?”
I began writing a reality in my mind (I do that sometimes).
She was clearly staying up and waiting on me to talk to her.
I seriously doubt that.
I was just hoping that you would speak my language tonight. <Shitty thing I said>
“Are you kidding me?” I spent all day yesterday trying to pump you up. You were down in the dumps and I was trying hard to get you out of it. I spend a lot of time every day giving you positive affirmations.”
I didn’t remember her doing it.
I remembered going to her office and crying some. I just couldn’t remember her giving me the pep talk. I KNOW she did, I journaled about it.
I passed out.
We woke up together this morning. I started the talking for the day: “I’m sorry I was an asshole last night.”
I am too <I assume she meant she for being an asshole too.> Hopefully we’ll have a better day today.
So far, so good.
She had another therapy session and it went great. It was her best so far. Her therapist asked her if she would be willing to be a part of a group of women with similar issues.
“He’s been trying to get me to go to S-Anon.”
“I’m not talking about that.” It turns out that a lady at her church has a recovery group for this exact thing. My wife’s therapist said that her situation is an almost exact match with hers.
THIS is exciting. She is actually considering this. I told her that I was excited. She thinks that it might be one on one discussion. I seriously doubt it. She will balk at the idea of getting with a group of strangers to talk about something this personal. That’s what she said about S-Anon. I reminded her that the church thing would likely be the same thing.
SHE DIDN’T IMMEDIATELY BACK OUT!!!
THAT is exciting. She needs to be a part of a community. It might actually happen.
Here’s to another hope!!
I spoke with my sponsor on the way home from work. It was another fast conversation. “Did you stay sober? I did. “Good! You have a chance for a third day. Or you have a chance for another day.” I told him that I choose to see it as one more day.
I didn’t get into this mess in one day. I sure as hell won’t be getting out in one day either. This stuff is a mess. There’s emotions and stuff involved…That gets real messy real fast.
Here’s another hope.
Hopes for tonight:
- I’m hoping and praying that she gets into a l community of contemporaries.
- I’m hoping and praying for another day of sobriety.
- I’m hoping that I am able to put God where He deserves to be; the front of my life. He needs to be leading the way for me. I cannot do this any other way. Me hoping for sobriety is worthless. My wife hoping, praying and encouraging for my sobriety is worthless (but nice). I can only accomplish this through the grace of God.