I’ve had a difficult day.
I confessed a relapse to my wife and felt shitty about it half of the day. After I told her she mentioned that maybe I should go to tonight’s SA meeting. I’ve never been to the Sunday meeting.
I’m so glad I went.
For the past 2 weeks I had realized that I needed a sponsor. I had cognitively come to grips with things and knew a helping hand was necessary.
It’s interesting that it was just today that I realized I had an addiction. I had said it. I had thought about it. But it wasn’t until today that I analyzed what was really going on. I was able to come to grips with my helpless.
Falling into relapse is a VERY uncomfortable place to be. In my case I have constant thoughts about porn. My heart races. I sweat. This time I was actually experiencing tremors. It’s like a panic attack but you can only think of porn.
In short, it sucks.
I recognized, just today, that those are classic symptoms of withdrawal.
I am an addict.
I am a sex addict.
I went to the meeting. I was a few minutes late. This meeting was in a place is never been before. I searched all over the building. Right as I was about to turn and leave, I found it.
I did all the stuff. Read the passages, talked a little about what I’m thankful for (an amazing wife that chooses to stand by and support me). And just like that, it was over.
I poked around for a bit. I bought a book. I knew I had to address the sponsor issue. I went up to the guy who ran the meeting (the same guy who ran my very first meeting) and asked how to get a sponsor.
You go up to someone and ask them to be your sponsor.
The next thing he said surprised me.
So you can ask me or Jack over there.
Jack chimed in: “how long have you been in the program?
“Dave can do it, it was his idea.”
I laughed pretty good. A few days ago I would have felt slighted or even rejected. Tonight I knew Jack was just screwing around. THAT is a huge step for me.
Dave talked to me for a bit. Asked some questions and told me to call him tomorrow. We walked to our cars and chatted the entire way.
I’m so happy that I finally have a sponsor. I’m terrified that I have to give my trust to someone though. I trust my wife and I trust my children. That’s it. This is going to be difficult for me.
I’m willing to do whatever it takes…
The past is done. It’s over and gone.
Time to work on now and the future. Time to roll up my sleeves and get to work.