I wrote this post early this morning, around 12:30, but chickened out and re-wrote it as something tame. It was true, but not what was on my mind.
Yesterday afternoon I had a full blown relapse. Porn, masturbation, the whole damned thing.
I spent the rest of the day trying to avoid thinking about it.
She was putting the finishing touches on her final grad school paper. I was trying to play it cool; like nothing happened.
I did a pretty good job of it too.
We finally had the chance to say 3 or 4 words as we went to bed. She was exhausted after finishing her work. I too was exhausted, from covering up.
So I wrote a pretty lengthy post. It talked about my shame and that I was a coward for hiding my relapse from her. The cowardice was specifically because of how I was revealing the relapse. She would learn about it on my blog.
I wrote the post. Submitted the post and chickened out. I had to hide my misdeed. To say that an edit took place is a gross understatement. The title changed from “Shameful Coward” to something about forgiveness. The content completely changed as well.
No thought, all cover up.
This was going to be ok.
I was having my cake and earring it too. That is until I went to church this morning. The entire time I was just getting my ass kicked.
You have to tell her. You have to be honest.
The only people from my family at church were me and 1 of my boys. The wife was at school uploading her project. Before I left this morning she told me she was proud of me.
:::Arrow to the heart:::
I guess that was the catalyst to my confession.
After church we ran the 2 blocks to her school.
“I’m in the copy room” was her text to me. I went in, said hi and immediately his in the rest room. When I composed myself, I went to talk with her. She could tell something was up as soon as I walked in.
“Are you ok?”
“Did you relapse?”
:::cue the tears::.
I told her about it. Rather, I answered her questions. Then I told her I was a failure and a fraud. That I had taken the good will and trust that had been built up over the last 2 weeks and pissed all over them.
“No you haven’t. I’m not mad and I haven’t lost trust.”
I want to make you happy and I failed.
“I have come to realize that my happiness is not contingent on your sobriety. And if it were, I’d be pretty screwed up too.”
She went on to tell me that I was trying. That I was making an effort and how that is such a major change.
She walked away for a minute to finish her copying. And then she did it…
As I say there, with my face in my hands crying, she came up behind me and wrapped her arms around me.
“I love you and I will never leave you. We are going to get through this together.”
This is a pretty powerful moment.
Then she told me that she’s still going to be by my side, that we will still sleep together, that she will still hold me and kiss me.
I don’t deserve this woman.
Clearly someone up above loves me in a pretty big way. I don’t deserve that either.
I get both.
I have her unconditional love.
I have God’s unconditional love.
Time to put on my big boy panties and get back to work.