Giving Up All Hope


“Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past.”
-Lilly Tomlin

I have serious anger issues that have recently surfaced. Most pressing, in my mind, is with my father-in-law. There are two reasons that I find this specific issue to be so pressing:
1. I miss the relationship that we had.
2. The current situation is a stumbling block to the healing of my marriage.

I don’t want you to fix this because I want you to… is her last comment on this issue. That IS one of my main reasons for addressing my anger. But it isn’t the only reason. Remember, I am a very selfish person. I’m getting something out of this as well.

Last night, as we drove home from her patent’s home, we discussed my anger issues. We had gone into the day hoping that her family could meet the “New” me. It didn’t happen. I was too caught up I. My anger. I was completely unable to let go of it.

That interaction had an affect on my marital relationship yesterday. Well, today as well; she doesn’t know about this post. Yet.

The encounter had an affect in me too. I was uptight, uncomfortable and downright pissed-off the entire day. THAT is one of the issues I’m specifically trying to address right now. I’m trying to embrace all of these new emotions and deal with them. Maturely.

I failed yesterday.

I refuse to go on a “poor me, I suck at everything” tirade. It’s time for me to move on. It’s time to be an adult and actually DEAL with my issues. Even if I don’t want to do it.

I’m trying, real hard, to grow the fuck up.

I cannot move on with my life and go into any kind of meaningful recovery unless I can give up. I MUST give up on hoping for a better past. It ain’t happening. That ship sailed a long time ago. As in, when shit went down, the hope for a better past went down with it.

I can only deal with now and the future.

My mission that I have chosen to accept, is to make amends with my father-in-law. Today.

As soon as my bride reads this, I’m calling him up and asking to come over and have a chat. I’m going to do anything I can, positively speaking, to repair things. Today.


About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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3 Responses to Giving Up All Hope

  1. sarecover says:

    I look forward to the follow up post.

  2. chipgruver says:

    I do as well. We don’t often think (at first) of our sexual problems being, at their roots, a relationship problem. I’m glad you are reaching out. -Chip

  3. You really hit something on the head for me; you gave up on hoping for a better past. So many times I look back on my past and think to myself just how shitty it is. Thanks for redirecting me to look at my future.

    Wishing you all the best in your amends with your father-in-law.

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