The Monsters

My next therapy session begins in less than 30 minutes.

I’m nervous.
I don’t know why.

I absolutely love these sessions. I look forward to them. I actually get excited.

Not today.

Maybe this is foreshadowing a difficult hour upcoming. Maybe I’m full of shit. I really don’t know.

That’s not true.
I do know I’m full of shit.
I act like I’m in some kind of miraculous recovery. I’m not. I have enormous struggles and/or failures all of the time. I’m, figuratively, a scared little boy. I’m way out of my league here. I’m an emotional tween. I feel like I literally stopped growing the day that bastard…

I really don’t want to type those words again. The memories of my past haunt me enough. I relive the abuse all of the time. I relive the emotional and verbal abuse my parents heaped on me all of the time. I relive the sick and disgusting behaviors I displayed all of those years. I relive causing the pain in my wife’s life. I see the look on her face. I remember hearing her voice ask those terrible questions. I remember answering those questions. I remember the sound of her voice when she was displaying her anguish.
“Why did you do this to me?”

That shit doesn’t just go away. It will always live in my mind. There’s nothing I can do to ever make it go away. Those sights, sounds and pains. They haunt me daily.

I understand that, one day, I must confront my demons.

I can’t do it.
Not today.
I’m too weak. I’m too inexperienced. I don’t have the tools. I’m terrified of what I’m going to see when I’m finally forced into it.

Will I crack up?
Will I be able to be strong enough to win?

I can’t ask for my wife’s help on this one. This ain’t her battle.

The ONLY hope I have is for God to intervene. I have no chance without Him.

5 minutes now.
Time to go duel the monsters.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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4 Responses to The Monsters

  1. chipgruver says:

    Keep is up man. It is so good to see your struggles day by day. Why is it good? Because you ARE struggling. You know your a soldier if your fighting. You might be crawling, but that is so much better than running the wrong way. -Chip

    • Dude, you give the best comments. Always insightful, always positive and encouraging. My wife and I really appreciate your positive encouragement.

      • chipgruver says:

        I’m so glad you do. I feel like I’m getting to know you a little bit as I follow your blog, but I’m not looking at you and I worry I will discourage or hurt you. It is such a delight to see you growing. The trajectory you are on is heavenly when it plays out over several years. Unfortunately, that’s the hard part. Keeping it going for the long term will try you severely. So my hope for you is that you will taste how very sweet it is to love you wife well. The fuel that will keep you going is that obeying God is wonderful. Whatever i can do to make obedience taste good to you, I hope to do that.

        Keep it up man. The Bible says you have “a great cloud of witnesses.” I think it means dead people, but I consider myself part of that cloud, rooting you on. -Chip

  2. sarecover says:

    Good post…

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