Apprehension and Sanguinity

I guess my apprehension was unwarranted. I had a pretty decent session. I had intended on bringing up all of the thoughts clamoring through my mind. Constant reminders of the abuses, my acting out, my guilt etc… I forgot. The session began and we just kind of took off.

I did mention that I’m beginning to experience a whole new world of emotions and thought processes. For example: I find myself pissed off quite a bit. I was told that abuse, especially sexual abuse, generally brings anger and even rage from the victim. That makes sense to me. As a kid you have no outlet. The anger/rage is almost always internalized. That turns into depression and I’ve got depression in spades.

He also told me that, since my emotions are beginning to thaw out, I will begin experiencing all of them. He went on to say that I don’t get to choose which emotions are experienced either.

Shit…

“If you try to shut off one emotion they all turn off.”

Heyyyyyy, that sounds great.

Anger turns into guilt turns into shame turns into sorrow turns into joy (!?) turns into desire turns into sadness turns into excitement turns into positive outlook…..and on and on it goes.

This began as a standard session. I come in, we exchange pleasantries…

“I’ve been reading your blog.”

Uh-oh.

This shouldn’t have been a surprise. I sent him the link. I just didn’t think he’d actually read it. This is actually a good thing. He know has insight that he did not have before. This is a good thing.

But I digress…

The good doctor said that it was a pretty cool thing that I’m able to say the things I do on here. “Not everybody can do that.” It’s nice to hear positive things from someone that isn’t a family member.

I reported how the last week was the best in my life. I explained why- intimacy, closeness, trust and making love. It has just been an incredible experience. “This is highly unusual. This stuff generally doesn’t begin for many months.”  The knowledge that we are apparently ahead of schedule is a cool thing.

Will all of it be ahead of schedule? Will my fears (hostility and rage from her) go unrealized? God, I hope so.

We have been making such incredible progress, I’m afraid it will end. Now I’m fully aware that progress will come and go in stages/cycles.

I am so happy with my relationship with my bride right now, I am desperate for it to continue on this path. I will do anything to keep us there.

Can I do it though?

No

I can’t do it. I’m an addict. I have no control over my addiction. I am powerless against sexual addiction. This is why including God in my/our recovery is so vital. If I fail, I have and more will follow, it is only through HIS grace and mercy that we can survive.

I am DESPERATE for success. I will do everything in my power to achieve that success. I will use any and every tool available to me/us.

For the first time in my life, I am displaying a modicum of responsibility. For the first time in my marriage I am showing my bride that I care for her and that she comes first to me. For the first time in my marriage I think I am meeting and even fulfilling some of her needs.

This is incredibly exciting for me. It’s also incredibly frightening. Never before have I experienced this mixture of anticipation, apprehension, terror and sanguinity.

Baby Doll, if you’re reading this one, I love you.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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3 Responses to Apprehension and Sanguinity

  1. sarecover says:

    I am glad for you.

  2. chipgruver says:

    I wonder if our sexual addictions make us feel in black and white. We almost come to think in terms of feelings being “pleasurable” or “not pleasurable”. Like you, I have found the depth and bredth of my feeling grow. It was scary, but now I think it is the deep colors of the painting of my life. Even the ‘bad’ feelings a good in this sense. I am now outraged at times in a way that feels right (like when that slime of a man shot those kids at Sandy Hook). It has allowed me to really delight in my kids as well.

    This is a good sign that you are feeling more. A very good sign. -Chip

    • Black and white is precisely how my therapist describes the world of the addict.

      Right now the feelings can get pretty close to overwhelming.

      The therapist says the emotions will come. It’s scary and exciting.

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