The Long And Trusting Road

I knew she needed space. Rather, I knew she had said it before. I just don’t realize when she needs it.

In her first therapy session she was told that we need to set limits on how much we talk about us. “Maybe you only talk about you as a couple on Thursdays…”

That would be incredibly tough for me. I like to analyze things and try to work through them. She, on the other hand, isn’t too keen on that. She will talk about us, but she needs a break sometimes.

After her therapy she said a few interesting things:
1. She has been incredibly happy.
2. She was annoyed once (I was pressuring her to get involved with S-Anon. She’s not ready for that yet- if ever).
3. After reading my blog from last night where it said that I was disappointed we hadn’t spent much time together, she was a little stressed
4. She’s supposed to find something to do, by herself- for herself, at least once a week.

Yesterday found us spending very little time with each other.

She realized this morning that she had needed space. She said looking back she was beginning to feel smothered.

The long and the short is, I have to learn how to read that. Yeah, she had said she needed space before. I just didn’t know what she meant.

“I’m afraid that if I tell you you’ll be offended.”
I get that. That’s exactly what would’ve happened to the old me. That guy was all about him though.
‘If I get offended, I’ll have to put my big-boy panties and deal with it. I have to learn how to cope with things. You have your needs. They must be addressed and attended to. If you need space, tell me. I’ll try to learn how to read it too.’

We went back and forth on that and I think we agreed to do just that. I also told her that I’d stop pushing S-Anon.

She has said several times that she isn’t on my time schedule. She is completely right too. I told her that when we are concerned, we would go by her schedule.

I have to live up to that.
I must honor her needs.
I must keep my word that I will not pressure her.
I must keep my word that I will give her the space she needs.

If I can do those things, I think I will have gone a long way to earning some of her trust back.

Earning trust is one of the most important things for me.

Her affection is returning.
Her intimacy is returning.
I really want her trust to return as well. THAT will not and cannot come quickly.

Her intimacy and trust returning makes a little sense to me now. Those are, I think, strictly based on what she sees right now. Progress has been made so it’s probably not too hard to thaw out a little.

Trust, on the other hand, is a different ball game. She has been conditioned that I will not keep my word. I never have. Ever. On anything. Earning trust will take a very, very long time.

I’m willing to wait.
I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
She deserves it.
She needs it.
I will meet her needs.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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2 Responses to The Long And Trusting Road

  1. Jayelle says:

    SAnon is not for everyone, nor is treating all the spouses of Sex Addicts as a co-addict always appropriate. Like all addictions there can be an element (small or large) of co-dependency, and some partners of all kinds of addicts CAN be part of the problem, but sex addiction is unique on many fronts and partners can suffer from tremendous trauma … and if they know deep down that something is wrong for years or even decades, then they have been suffering deeply for a LONG time, and so a trauma model of care for your wife rather than a co-addict model may very well be more what she needs 🙂 … Marsha Means has written a brilliant book on this and the role of both models. I highly recommend it to anyone who has been affected by sexual addiction: it is called “Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal”

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