I will do anything

I have no clue.
Last night I wrote about not looking forward to going to bed with her. Why? Because I REALLY wanted sex. How is that a problem? We had sex a couple of nights before.

What’s the problem there?

Unless it’s “that” week, we have historically averaged 1 lovemaking session per week.

So what?

In late September she said, “I don’t like sex, I don’t want sex and I won’t have sex.”

This all stemmed from my sex-addiction. Years of cover ups and lies had, quite literally, killed her sex drive. I discovered that for the overwhelming majority of the times when we were having sex, she was simply fulfilling her wifely duty.
Dude.
I was getting duty sex.

It was duty sex and I thought it had been awesome sex. Therein lies a problem. I had been so self-absorbed and lustful I hadn’t realized she wasn’t in to it. She was just there.

To say my manhood and psyche took a hit would be an understatement.

This was, however, a godsend. Immediately upon discovery we agreed to begin marital counseling. The goal was, of course, to get her over HER intimacy problem.
Her problem…

Yeah, I guess she did have a problem. And that problem was me. And my problem was thinking with my dong.

For decades (29 years to be exact) I had been doing anything it took to satisfy my lusts and desires.

Anything…

After 20+ years of marriage, she was done with it.

I knew something was wrong when I didn’t receive my (late July) traditional birthday “event.”

I was concerned when our anniversary rolled around ten days later and we didn’t have sex.

A day or two after our anniversary I asked, “why didn’t we have sex on our anniversary?”
“I guess I didn’t want to.”

What. The. Hell.
That’s the one day you’re guaranteed to get laid. I didn’t score on my anniversary.

Our sex life only got worse. Rather, the frequency went way down. I was still unaware of any serious issue. It was all on her. I was there. I was ready and able.

I began a slow decent into a personal, porn-fueled rage. I was incredibly depressed. She obviously had no desire for me. Since she had no desire for me, I was going to take care of the situation.

I came to realize, later, that my porn use was directly proportional to my pain level. As hurt increased so did my consumption.

So it was then.

After she revealed her dislike for sex I literally tanked. It was 6 days later that I made 3 suicide attempts.

I tried to kill myself over sex.
Seriously.

It was a few days later that our counseling began.

Our therapist asked why we were there.
“She hates sex and…” I droned on.
She countered with, “He just tried to kill himself.”

Usually a therapist doesn’t show any reaction. That was not the case with our initial session. She was obviously concerned. She said that we could continue counseling with the condition that I would begin individual therapy.

I was a suicide risk and it had to be addressed.

It was 3 weeks later that I realized I was a sex addict. Her intimacy problem was actually a symptom of my addiction.

How does this relate to last night?

I was assuming that there would be no more sexual contact. She had said that she is really into it about every 3-4 months. We did it 2 nights ago.

So I quickly wrote a post about my concern. I knew that I wanted it. I knew she didn’t. I wasn’t looking forward to snuggling in our cold bed (that’s a literal statement. We have no heater in our added-on room. It’s freaking cold in there) knowing I would be incredibly uncomfortable.

It’s weird that I am so uncomfortable telling her things. I can write her anything, watch her read it, see her reaction and then discuss it. So it was last night.

“Why are you uncomfortable?”
I want sex and you don’t.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
You don’t want to know.
“Yes I do. Tell me.”

So I did.
I told her that I wanted to caress her. To feel her body next to mine. To feel her heart beat. To smell her. That I wanted to make live to her in a variety of erotic positions. That I wanted to make her feel pleasure physically.

“Ok. Let’s do it.”

::::Stunned silence::::
Not being a fool, I dove right in.

Afterward she asked, “when did you know you were getting it?”
When you said let’s do it. When did you know we were doing it.
“This morning.”
You made me wait all day!?
“Uh-huh.”

I smiled great big.
What began as a dread turned into a fun experience.

I say this a lot.
I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know how or why she’s being like this.
We are experiencing intimacy and closeness.
I like it.
I want more.
I will do ANYTHING to continue this experience.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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