I am not in recovery. I think.
I’m really not sure.
I do know that I am making changes to every aspect of my life. I know that I have acted out since we confirmed my addiction. And by acted out I mean here at the house. By myself. I have put a total stop to the truly icky stuff (that hasn’t happened for over a year).
I know that she has knowledge of my acting out. I told her. It’s not like I give her all of the details or anything. I have told her that my acting out has moved from using porn to using her saucy photos (she will appreciate that adjective).
I have admitted that I’m powerless against my addiction. I’ve told her several times when I have been fighting temptation. I told her that I had a very difficult time at the grocery store yesterday.
Lust is my enemy. It is also my ever present companion.
What is lust?
That is something I’ve struggled defining for awhile. I think I have come upon a definition that I can truly hold on to. I was reading a guys blog and he defined it. Here’s my version of it:
Lust is when you are concerned only for your pleasure. Love is when you are focused on the pleasure of your spouse.
Under that definition I see where, even with my wife, I have been lustful. What can I get her to do to please my desires was in my mind. A lot.
I would try to get her to do things. Things that I know she was very uncomfortable with. Things that really only happen in the movies.
Since we’re doing X, let’s go the next step and do Y.
She was cool with X. She would, occasionally (once a year…) go ahead and do Y.
I would also try to introduce acts that she was totally against. Strictly for my pleasure.
It was lust.
There were plenty of times that list wasn’t present. There were me Ryan of times where I was focused on her.
If I do _____maybe she will _____.
I always enjoy focusing on her. I truly enjoy it. But I also had ulterior motives. My pleasure.
This is changing in a major way. I am thinking of her needs when we are together. Yeah, I made a request last time. She did it. But I don’t think it was something she was uncomfortable with.
Really what’s in my mind during these times is:
I can’t believe this is happening!!
What can I do for her?
That is new.
I’ve documented how I feel about this whole situation. Let me recap:
Crushed that I’ve hurt her
And many more…
I’m making massive efforts to change my life. She seems to notice. That’s pretty nice.
Funny, to me, is that I’d like to show her how much I’ve changed in this area. As in…I’d like to demonstrate my desire to please her more often 😉
Is that lustful?
I don’t think so. I truly want to her experience this new attitude.