I was going to write about our therapy sessions and how all of my dirty laundry had been aired out in her session (rightfully so btw). We talked about our sessions in pretty deep detail and, as far as I know, she was pretty straight with me on how hers went down. I told her everything detail by painful detail.
I’ll finish that part with: Therapy Good.
Enough of that.
Home life returns.
She had her stuff going on and I had my own work to do. We finished up pretty close together and went to bed. It was at this time our in depth therapy conversation occurred.
I told her how I was jealous that she was being intimate with her therapist. BUT I also told her that my therapist said that we were intimate together.
Ok, I get it.
You have to do that in therapy.
I learned that, in some future time, I might be allowed back into the inner sanctum of her thoughts and emotions. Just not now.
It sucks, but ok.
She lay on her side staring at me as I began to drone on about something or another.
It hit hard.
I had to look away.
She came to me, grabbed me and began kissing me.
And the tears began in earnest. Heavy sobs and huge tears poured down my face.
“Just kiss me. You don’t have to look at me.”
I said something about being ashamed and, unbelievably, she said, “make love to me.”
I stop the story here to fire in a few things.
1. She JUST found out about my infidelity three days ago.
2. She just finished what she called an intense therapy session.
3. I had just told her all of my therapy stuff.
4. I had, literally, just told her that my sex life, for the foreseeable future, consisted of me masturbating to her pictures.
5. She’s supposed to be unbelievably upset, distraught and incredibly angry with me.
6. She is being unconscionably NICE to me.
I’m a little confused.
HOW the hell can she want to make love!?!?
It was quite beautiful by the way.
We have had sex 3 times since she said she didn’t like it. The first time was initiated by her. The second by me. When I initiate she has to work her mind into being cool with it. Then last night, she initiated.
Each time she initiated we made love. When I initiated we had sex. When we make love it is high emotional for me. I feel a connection like none other. at the very least I have learned that when she starts it, she gets a little something out of it. Maybe not emotionally yet. I will say that hearing her say, “make love to me” is the single most exciting thing I’ve ever heard. Every time I’ve hear those words, my heart melts, my guard completely drops and I’m forever lost in her eyes. Her eyes! That’s the most important thing to me. She looks at me.
She does say that it feels good and that she enjoys making me feel good, so there is at least that connection.
It’s just that when she has initiated she’s a different woman. She looks at me with that look I’ve been missing. Her eyes peer through my very soul. She, at least in my mind, is totally in to me. We become one.
This is what I’m looking for. Becoming one with her. It doesn’t have to be sexual. Last night it was. Maybe tonight it’s the way we prepare dinner. I rely don’t care what the catalyst is. I’m just excited when it happens.