When Is It OK?

“And when it came to the marriage bed many of us discovered it was the last refuge of lust and that here too surrender was the only way.
-Sexaholics Anonymous pg. 80

That’s quite a sentence. And it rolls incredibly well into my previous post.

Whenever she initiates sex we are one. It is, at least for me, an emotional AND mental connection. We make love.

Conversely, when I initiate sex it tends to be sex. There probably is an enormous amount of lust there. It isn’t always a connecting experience. At least not like it is when we make love.

I understand that I must rid myself of lust. But is it lust to want relations a with your wife? I don’t think that sex always had to be sweet and emotional. There are times when it seems appropriate to just get down with it and do crazy stuff together.

Is that lust?

I sure as hell don’t know.

I do know that it’s not healthy for me to seek sex as a escape from life. THAT’S the biggest of my symptoms (problem being something entirely different).

I do know that I must be exceedingly cautious when “taking care of business” by myself. What’s the motivation? Is it escape or straight up releasing sexual tension when she’s not willing? That’s the key there.

But when is it lust in the bedroom?
Do I only have sex when she initiates?

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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4 Responses to When Is It OK?

  1. chipgruver says:

    Your blog has been so encouraging to read. You, for it seems the first time, are taking your addiction seriously. That’s wonderful. Keep fighting man. You had the courage to go public with this and that is going to pay off for you. I think you and I are among the very few to do that. It gives me a lot of hope for your recovery.

    When is it lust in the bedroom? Remember that when you watched those women on a screen they were objects. Much like a Dr. Pepper or a baseball bat, they were simply tools to achieve your own satisfaction. You had no obligation to them, no relationship. The difference between lust that saps the life out of your wife and a holy and righteous delight is to enjoy her. All of her.

    Lust will have sex with a body. Any good looking body will do. Love will have sex with a woman, a whole woman. A woman you have committed to love. Love will serve her in bed (and out of it). It drinks deeply of all of her, not just her body. She is not an object for you to use, she is a person who is most honored when she is delighted in as a whole person. Love her emotionally (be her friend), love her spiritually (pray with her, for her), love her as a servant. As you build her trust, she will likely start enjoying you loving her physically. As it is now, she probably feels objectified. It’s going to take a long time to rebuild that trust.

    Finally, go to Jesus with your sin. I see you speak of God, but not of forgiveness. You can never, ever pay this debt off. You know it in your heart. You need someone to pay it for you and then, as a man who is really free, you will be free to do well and serve your wife.

    I’m rooting for you. We’re all in this together.


    P.S. To answer your second question. Go to her and ask her if she wants you to initiate. If the answer is no. Then that is your answer. You don’t get to dictate this. You caused it. Part of winning her back is patiently giving her the time to heal.

    • Wow. There’s a lot in that comment.
      I really appreciate you saying those things.

      I’m really glad you brought up forgiveness. I haven’t mentioned it because I’m not ready for it yet. Call it a flaw, call it stubbornness, call it sin.
      I know that I don’t deserve forgiveness. I know that I can never repay this debt. I also know that I’m going to have to get in that place, and soon, where I believe that forgiveness is for me too.

      If you’ve read much of this blog, you’ll realize that I punish myself. A lot. I hear it a lot from my wife. I have to deal with that.

  2. chipgruver says:

    One final thought. Whatever you have to do to keep that woman, do it. She is a special lady for putting up with all that and sticking with you. -Chip

    • That is precisely what I’m doing. Whatever I have to do.

      There’s quite a bit of messing up right now. I have to find out who I really am before I can truly serve her. In the meantime, I’m going to take everything that I know and use it to my advantage.

      Ex: she says I write fairly well. I’m going to write her things everyday.

      I find it easy to give her positive affirmations. She gets them everyday now.

      But I think the biggest, and most important, things I can do are to succeed at recovery and honor her everyday to the best of my ability.

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