I simply don’t understand it. I have done horrible, nasty, filthy and disgusting things. And I’ve done them with others while married. She knows about them now. She’s seriously hurt by that knowledge.
So why is she being nice?
Last night we lay together in bed. She was a zombie. The faraway look, the blank face and tears falling from her eyes.
“Why did you do this to me?” was one of the last things she said before rolling over and going to sleep.
This morning she was more than civil. During our early morning text conversation she was friendly. This afternoon, she sends me 2 videos and says, “these are for us.”
The first was for me:
“You are more than the choices that you’ve made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You’ve been remade.”
The second was odd. She said that one day she hoped I could say the things in the song to her.
“I never had no one
I could count on
I’ve been let down so many times
I was tired of hurtin’
So tired of searchin’
‘Til you walked into my life
It was a feelin’
I’d never known
And for the first time
I didn’t feel alone
Totally on the money. I was ignored and rejected as a child. That all changed when she came to me.
“You’re more than a lover
There could never be another
To make me feel the way you do
Oh we just get closer
I fall in love all over
Everytime I look at you
I don’t know where I’d be
Without you here with me
Life with you makes perfect sense
You’re my best friend
You’re my best friend, oh yeah”
Yep. While I was a scum-bag I didn’t realize this. I DO fall in love again every time I see her. Life without her would be horrible. I want her to be able to call me her best friend again.
“You stand by me
And you believe in me
Like nobody ever has
When my world goes crazy
You’re right there to save me
You make me see how much I have
And I still tremble
When we touch
And oh the look in your eyes
When we make love”
This last verse is a description of her. I want it to describe me one day.
She wants ME to be able to say those things about her. I already do. She is everything that song says. And more. I pray that, one day, she will be able to say those things about ME.
She sends me these songs. I cry like a baby. I asked her directly how and why is she being nice to me.
Her answer is so her. It doesn’t surprise me that she said. I was surprised she said it to me.
“I love you. I love you more than anyone else in the whole world. Why wouldn’t I be nice to the person I love the most?”
Cue the tears. Only this time, let’s double the emotion.
Everything about this woman is perfect. God willing, one day, I’ll be able to earn what she’s doing for me.
I don’t understand it. This would be easier for me if she exploded and went ballistic.
That’s not her.
It will happen though. She is hurt. And I know she’s angry about it. I suspect that after a therapy session or 2 she will find her anger.
But maybe not.
I do know she’s my everything.
I used to say it a lot. Now I understand it.