No Going Back

She means everything to me. All I think about is making everything better. How to be a better man, a better father, a better husband and, when the time is right, a better lover.

I’ve been reading. A lot. It’s what I do. I research things and end up writing about it. This is no different.

I ran across this quote and I think it’s marvelous. It sums things up pretty well.

“I believe everything happens for a reason, people change so you can let go. Things go wrong so you can appreciate them when they are right… Sometimes, good things fall apart so better things fall together.”

—Marilyn Monroe

I choose to believe my marriage fell apart so it can fall together stronger than ever. I believe that we will be an example of how to love each other and what a marriage should look like.

I have been questioning the presence of God in my life. It has been this way for a long time.

Lust was my god.
Not anymore. I reject lust.

God has been absent from my life for quite some time. He showed up in a big way last week and he’s still here blessing me.

5 days ago my wife and I had a major argument. The biggest thing I remember from that night was:
“You’ve been thinking with your dick for all of these years.”
At that exact moment my mind and my heart began to melt and turn to the light. God was there. He made that happen.

The next night I stormed out of my 12 step meeting. I called my therapist and he helped me quite a bit. My wife and I discussed what was said and something else happened. She told me about 2 major psychological traumas she had as a child. I had never heard these stories before. She had said she had nothing troubling from childhood. But here was something.
“I guess I just forgot a about them.”

Sure. And I 100% believe that too. And I think God made her remember that. This was another key moment. She had a trauma too. And she shared it with me. This triggered me to write the initial post of this blog.

That might not sound like much but it’s huge coming up.

She read that post. I had put some major clues in there. Things that I must have subconsciously wanted her to know but was afraid to bring up. I asked if she had read it.
“Yes”
What did you think?
“It was so sad”
Is that all?
“Yes, all of those things that happened are very sad.”
Do you have any questions?
“Yes, but they’re inappropriate.”

I knew what she would ask about.

The next day was the most important day of my life. Her remembering and sharing her trauma had led me to opening the door to my secrets.

She asked me those inappropriate questions.
Who did it to you?
Did he make you touch it?
Did he make you suck it?
And I gave her a vague description of how that bastard defiled me. Fucking asshole. I’m glad he’s dead.

That exchange led me to telling her about my sexuality confusion growing up. That led her to re-ask an old question. That led to my mind breaking into pieces and answering all of her questions. Even the most embarrassing and shameful of them all.

As odd as this might sound- God was there. He made those things happen. He led my thoughts and my speaking. He led her to ask the right questions.

God, who I thought had abandoned me, showed up. Yeah, the most pain she and I have ever encountered resulted. But my secret is out. She knows the most important thing. For the first time in our marriage, she knows the truth.

We both have an incredibly difficult journey ahead of us. She begins therapy in less than 24-hours. I re-start mine 2 hours later. I’m so very excited for her. She finally has someone she can talk to about this shit. She finally gets the support she’s been after for so long.

I have my own demons to fight. We fight everyday. I lose a lot of the time. This is the hard part. I’m not going back to my previous activities. Those things have polluted my mind with disturbing thoughts and desires. Those things have ruined my life. No way in hell am I going back to that. I will die first.

She told me she can’t go through this again. I agreed. I will not do this to her again. The pain she’s going through is too much for ME to see.

I’ve had severe mental issues for the past 4 years. I’ve attempted suicide 3 times this year. I spent several days in a mental hospital. I truly believe that my deception and harboring this nasty, dirty shit I’ve been doing has polluted my mind. That junk has caused me to mentally break down. Depression is my ever present companion. Suicide was my only way out.

Not anymore.
God showed up.
He picked me up, shook the mud off me and is standing me on my feet.

I don’t want to die yet.
Suicide is never more an option.
Fuck that.

I refuse to miss this time with my wife. To see her find her emotions and grow as an individual and then as a wife. To see her recover. To see her want to be with me again. To see the desire in her eyes. To feel her touch.

I’m not missing that.
My life is roughly half over.
The best parts are in our future.
I refuse to have my past dictate my future. That shit will only be a painful memory.

The test of my days are going to be spent perusing God and being the husband He wants me to be for her. She deserves that.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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