Yeah, I’m writing again today.
There’s so very much to say. All of the thoughts in my mind. Swirling, racing and each demanding my attention.
I am a broken man.
I have no pride left.
All I have right now are hurt, sorrow and shame. Lots of them too.
I’ve hurt her. I’ve hurt her bad.
Most of the time she looks fine. She’s busy working on her things.
But if there’s even the slightest break, she has a devastated look about her.
Never before have I seen someone look this hurt. Not at a relatives deathbed. Not at a funeral. Never.
Looking at her and her pain is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
She has a distant look on her face. Her normal happy face is gone, replaced with a blank stare. That stare penetrates my soul. It rips my heart out. It turns my emotions inside out and truly hurts me.
I’ve had emotional pain before. I thought I had at least.
Watching her suffering physically hurts me. It makes my head hurt. Watching her in this pain hurts my stomach. I feel nauseated.
I’ve never known pain like this before. I’ve never been affected by seeing someone in pain.
Yeah, I’ve cried at funerals. That was sadness. This is different. Far different. She is in pain and she is suffering.
Everything I’ve read and been told by SA and my therapist says she will hurt. They said it’s one of the most difficult things to ever watch.
The first step she will take is shock.
The next step is grieving. Grieving the loss of what she thought she had. The memory of a happy relationship. That memory is dead. She must and will grieve.
No one knows how long it will last.
I’m just killed by the smallest things she says.
I had gone to her, grabbed her and given her a hug. The no emotion from The Talk yesterday is gone. It has been replaced with horrible sadness. As I hugged her, she cried for the first time. At least the first time I’ve seen. It only lasted a few moments. She went from allowing me to comfort her to, literally, pushing me away.
And then she said it…
“Everything on me wants to run to you, tell you my problem. I want you to hold me and tell me everything will be alright and that you’ll protect me. Then I remember, you’re the one that did this to me.”
I was instantly crushed.
As soon as she finished she cried. Just a little. And then she quickly went outside.
I’m not sure what to think or do.
I’m pretty damned confident that I’m supposed to comfort her. I know she wants me to comfort her; she just said it. But I also know that I’m the source of pain. She physically pushes away.
Is she hiding her emotions from me? I think she is. Not like it’s a punishment. More like she’s been hurt and doesn’t want her attacker see how hurt she is.
I’m the attacker.
This is the worst thing ever.
I’ve committed to her that I will be the husband and man she needs. That she is the most important thing to me. That nothing else on this world matters to me.
I just don’t think it matters right now. She’s too hurt to care about anything I say or do right now. And that makes sense.
She wants my comfort.
She wants me to go away.
She says she loves me.
Her body says stay away.
I want to embrace her.
And hold her tight.
I want to help her.
I just don’t have the right.
You hurt, you cry, I die
a little more each time
One day this will get better,
and God on us will shine.
I’m really a terrible poet. The sentiment is there. I hurt her, I want to comfort, it’s not my right, it kills me to watch her suffer, one day it will pass and eventually we will be healed and God will complete us.
This is an exciting time.
We are growing. We will heal and become closer than ever. God will be the focus of our marriage. He is one component that has always been missing. Not anymore.
She knows God. He is a constant companion to her. I do not know God. I believe in him. I know he exists. I know he has blessed me. I know He wants a relationship with me. I’ve spent my whole life running from Him.
It’s time to turn and meet Him. To let Him run my life. To let Him run my marriage.
I say she’s controlling.
Nothing could be further from the truth. During my entire marriage I have dominated everything.
I say she holds all the power with sex.
That is totally true. But it’s really the only thing she had control of.
I dominated our money. I dominated our entertainment. I dominated our time together. I dominated our home. By not participating in the important things in our home/lives, I actually controlled her. By abandoning all of my responsibilities, I condemned her to running everything.
She doesn’t control anything. I always have. Through selfishness and laziness I’ve controlled her life.
She controls sex.
That’s really the only thing she’s had.
And I hated it.
It was never enough. I always wanted more. And if I were honest about sex, I controlled that as well. She has done things I know she wasn’t comfortable with. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t for her benefit. Most likely it was to keep my ass from fucking around.
Nope, I’m just going to control that too.
Right after I had told her how painful it is to watch her suffer, I apologized for hurting her. And then she killed me for the second time tonight.
“Then why did you do this to me?”
8 words is all it took to make me cry again. She’s breaking my heart every time she talks. She deserves the opportunity and I deserve the pain.
I’m putting her first in my life.
I say that, but everything I talk about is me.
Watching you hurt makes me hurt.
It breaks my heart to see you like this.
Granted, this IS my blog. These recollections are from my point of view. But when I talk to her, I say me and I a whole lot.
How do I convey my sorrow without referencing me? How do I make her the focus? How do I help her through her process? How can I build her up? How can I show her how much she means to me?
I’ve so many questions. I have zero answers.
I pray that she heals and recovers well. I hope her recovery begins quickly. I pray she finds peace quickly. I pray she gets what she needs.
Selfishly, I hope I get to be a part of it all. I don’t want to lose anymore of her. Right now, at least I have her companionship. It would kill me if that were the end of our story.
I need her.
She completes me.
She’s everything I’m not.
I’m lost without her.
I guess that’s where God comes in. By putting God first, maybe He will meet all of our needs. Maybe putting God first will heal the two of us and then our marriage.
God is in the front seat now.
Right now, she’s severely wounded. But we’re still together. At least I have part of her. If I’m lucky, if I do my part, if I work hard, if I show her the new man I am becoming, maybe, just maybe I can have all of her again.
It’s small right now. But I do have hope.
I do believe that the girl I married and the boy she married are still alive. They’re definitely different people, but they are alive. And those 2 will show the world what true love and commitment are all about.
I have hope.