New Beginnings

The great thing about honesty is you don’t have to remember much; only what happened. There are no stories to create, no lies to remember. Just say what happened and you’re good. The outcome may suck, but at least your conscious is clear.

I recently read an article about Radical Honesty. Tell your spouse what you’re thinking, how you feel and give open and truthful answers.

To me this IS a radical concept.
My entire life, until now, has been based on deception.

No more.
I have sworn to be radically honest with my spouse. If she asks, she gets it. Plain and simple unadulterated truth. NOTHING is gained from dishonesty and deceit.

That’s not true.
I have gained physical pain from deceit.
I have suffered anxiety from deceit.
I have inflicted pain from deceit.

In a strict interpretation, those are things gained. They’re just really shitty things to have gained.

Honesty is part of the growth process. I found this articleabout honesty. In part it says:

Honesty is vital to making effective changes and identifying who you really are and what you really want. When you lie about who you are or what you really believe, you reinforce the idea that you need to pretend to be someone else or that you are not fundamentally “good enough”. Worse you undermine virtually every other key principle for self improvement because they are based on the premise that you have identified your authentic self and your goals. This is impossible to achieve if you are denying or deceiving yourself. Without the truth of who you are and what you really want, you cannot have clarity in life and you cannot achieve your dreams because you have no true direction.

I can’t make real changes if I’m not honest. I haven’t been honest with myself. Ever. I’m just now getting there. I don’t like the guy I just met. I’m going to be making serious changes.

My wife doesn’t know who I am either. I’ve been deceiving her with a secret life for our entire relationship. She’s just now meeting me. I’m hoping that she will eventually like this guy. Hopefully she can live who I really am. Rather who I am going to become.

Today we drove around a bit. We discussed “The Stuff” some more. She got her details the details I needed her to know but was too afraid to bring up.

As we drove, ideas and new concepts began swirling through mind. Our marriage counselor told us that we have to court each other again. I wanted to do that but I was mentally far too weak.

I am stronger now.
I am in a much better place mentally now. My secrets have been revealed. I have nothing to hide and I sure as hell have nothing to lose.

I told her that the courtship begins today. She said that, because of the newness of the revelations, I should probably wait quite awhile.

No.
It starts now.
It will not be what one would anticipate a courtship to be. Not at first at least.

I have to earn her trust.
I have to earn her desire to spend time with me.

I didn’t really tell her much about the unconventional way this will go down. I want her to discover it as it happens.

We drove along. We chatted about stuff. More like I droned on about stuff and she tolerated it.

My mind raced.
Ideas…concepts…plans

I stopped the car.
I had to do it.
My mind said “stop right here” and told me what to do.

I stopped.
“What are you doing?”
Hang on a sec, there’s something I have to do.
:::I got out of the car:::
“What are you doing??”
Hang on.
:::I walked to her side, opened the door and got on my knees::;

I knew what I needed to say.
She looked at me like I was some kind of loon. She’s probably right.

As I was on my knees, I looked her in the eye. I immediately began to cry. This was not part of the plan. I had things to say. I must get through this in one piece.

I began to attempt a portion of our wedding vows. I screwed them up pretty bad. I think she got the idea though. I told her that, from this day forward, I am committed to only her. That I promise, commit and vow to be everything she needs. Or at the very least try with all of my might to get there.

I cried more.
She looked away.
Since all ego has left me it didn’t hurt like it normally would have.
I started again.
I declared that from November 17, 2013 we start over. I would like is to refer to November 17 as Start Over Day.
She was looking at me know. She nodded yes.

I think things were going ok.

She looked away again.
You could see the wheels of her mind turning. She finally looked straight ahead and said, “You have to do it. You’ve said stuff like this before and it has never changed.”

She’s totally right.
I HAVE said stuff like this before. I told her that she was right, because she is, and that I am committing to this.

As I knelt beside her, the only thing I wanted on earth was for her to put her hand on me. On my head or my shoulder. Anything.

She kept her hands to herself. Actually, I had taken one of her hands in mind when I had begun. It didn’t really move as I recall. She may have even pulled it away then.

The point is, just 2 days ago she would have touched me. She would have embraced me in some way.

Not today.
That part of us is dead. Hopefully just dormant, but I fear dead and buried.

I have a lot of fears.
This is uncharted territory for both of us. For me it’s learning how to be honest, put the family first and understand who I and my emotions. She has to deal with her own emotions. The things I have told her are life changing.

My fear is that we never reconcile. That we have had our “good times” and all that’s left is to play out the rest of the game.

She was very sweet though. She agreed to the Start Over Day thing (I need a better name for it). She agreed that we can only go up from here. She told me not to have any expectations.

I told her what my expectations are.

I expect a minimum of 4 months to go by before any improvement between us is visible. I expect her to eventually unload on me. To strike out and say all of the nasty things that have to be in her somewhere. I expect us to MAYBE be in a position similar to what we were when this all began- she just doesn’t like or want sex but we can at least act like we like each other. I fully expect her to be hostile to me. I expect her to be bitter, spiteful, aggressive, resentful and vengeful to me. I expect her to be non-committal and indifferent to me. Mostly, I expect her to be disrespectful and inconsiderate; things that are contrary to her personality.

I have earned these emotions and actions. I have planted those seeds within her and they are beginning to grow.

Maybe the really bad stuff will never happen. They probably will. It’s ok. If it happens it needed to happen. It’s her right to feel/experience those things. It’s also her right to hit me with them full force.

I expect this to take several years to recover from.

I expect us to put off marriage counseling for a minimum of 6 months.

I expect her to resist marriage counseling for a very long time.

We will go when she is ready.
We will progress on her timetable.
She already told me that we are on different schedules. That’s cool. She has earned the right to take whatever time she wants/needs. She has been on my schedule for over 20 years.

We have decided not to discuss the info from The Talk unless she wants to. Maybe a therapist will want us to. That’s fine. But as far as I’m concerned, I’m done with it. It’s in the past and I’m focused on today and beyond.

Time to put on my big-boy pants and get to work.

She will hopefully notice my changes. Hopefully she will see the little things I try every day.

I used to have no hope.
I have destroyed my wife.
I have destroyed her psyche.
I have destroyed her sexuality.
I have destroyed her desires.
But I have hope now.

I have hope.
I’m going to find out who God really is.
I’m going to find out who I am.
I’m going to find out what it is to be a real man.
I’m going to find out how to be a husband.
I’m going to find out what it means to be my beautiful wife’s partner.

I have hope.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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One Response to New Beginnings

  1. Jayelle says:

    Thanks for reading my blog, I am now reading yours, … and feeling soooo badly for your wife! If she wants to contact me, my email address is on my blog … if she wants someone anonymous to talk to that is a fellow journeyer not a therapist!

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